Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered.

I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

I cannot stress this enough! The proper order, is kiss me, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt.

To pacify you, my dear pet, I have posted the following message on
our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:


1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot
better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours


Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hangout with drug-using friends, don't
flunk classes in school, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and
don't need a zillion dollars for college - and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the children!

Share this with any animial lover you may know and shed a smile in
their hearts!